LosT

is the word to decribe how i am right now

in every aspect of my life

NEED to address this intense insecurity i'm feeling

Oh God please give me a hand..

Late in the night..

I'm so worried, another transition in my life
Don't know what to be done,
Need help badly
Who could provide it?
Who would?
Tons of questions racing through my mind
Its bad enough that none was answered
Its even worse of me acknowledging
Yes i'm timid, i have low self esteem
I am not good enough..?
Then why bother trying?
Because i can't give up
They did it, why can't i?
I can't afford to lose out to others
Because i have my ego
I need to do this
By hook or by crook
Regardless of the sleepless nights..

What has the world turned into..?

Here I was, being blur n ignorant of the world for the past one n a half years,
just hiding myself at home and uni to finish up my remaining papers..
This was till i started taking up the part time jobs i took for the last few months..
I would consider myself as someone easily adaptable to any changing environment
but it turned out that those jobs revealed the opposite instead

I guess my ego was in my way,
jobs were either too easy, or too demanding
by way of demanding, it meant that the pay is really cheap
but u're asked to give up to 300% of effort and time
and when i thought i could really like teaching,
i saw the hard cold fact of the current education system

After more than a month, i still find it absurd that the main issue they're most concerned about,
is that all children should be kept silent at all times
if any of them talk, they are considered misbehaving, naughty, bad etc etc..
and so, all the caretakers of the centre, are always on standby mode
watching out for any students who love to talk and walk

So when i came, my way of handling the students..
are in no way up to their liking..
i noe, they are thinking that i'm just a young playful person
and that i duno how to teach well..
well, their opinion is somethin i could care less of

somewhat against their practise, i encouraged the students to talk to me
to ask me questions, to chat with me abit, to let me noe about them
i find this really necessary, to know their weaknesses n strengths,
then u would noe what to tackle, and how to encourage them..
and then i felt really bad, as those who talked to me, would get screamed at
regarding that they were behaving 'badly'

If we think rationally, how could it be possible
that the students are to go to school for 6 hours a day
and then spend another four hours at a centre run like a school?
the world has forgotten, they are kids!
no matter whatever your intention is, a kid is still a kid
naturally, they are supposed to be playful, supposed to be mischievious,
supposed to talk alot, supposed to run around..
instead, they are treated like prisoners..

i feel so bad for them,
their tired expression, bored from reading n doing exercises
why are parents and teachers these days like that?
how could they, not care whether the children understood something
and just blindly feed them with answers and expect them to remember for exams?
how could they, kept screaming and shouting, and beating the children
and expect them to grow up to be someone not violent to others?
its weird but seriously, you brought them up that way..

Sigh, my time with them is almost up,
even though it was quite a short period,
i do care alot for them, and hope the best for them
i hope this is something i only get to see in this centre,
or this school, or this country
or else, children nowadays.. are just plain pitiful..

Is it worth it..

Someone who could only care for you when nobody's around..

its hard to not feel let down

What went wrong

Yesterday,
a small mistake that i thought should be laughed over with
turned out to be a volcanic explosive
still feeling its very ironic
i'm sorry but i can't understand ur stand right now
what isit u're fighting for, i'm so confused
my care? my effort?
but why the harsh way?
i don't get it.. or isit a revenge for the past?

have i been so blind all these while..
that i failed to notice the dissatisfaction building up inside of u
or i just refused to acknowledge its a crucial matter?
u haven't been happy, at times i thought we were supposed to be
u kept grudge of every little thing i did to u
just so that u could unleash them back on me today?
or isit i'm the one who drove u this way

no matter wat it is, i still didn't get it..
isit time wat we need, to cool down?
or its the mutual understanding
that we are not meant to have?
that i can't see ur side of sufferings
that you refuse to admit
you just didn't want me near you after all
u kept me at the border of your life
like a lethal intruder that you despise
chasing me far far away everytime i stepped into your border

moments you flinged my hand away
when you bump into ppl you know
times u got so angry
when i accidentally revealed about us
these are terrorising my mind
i just.. can't.. let it go..
its so so important to me
because these are moments i dreamt of..
of the person i love, proudly introducing me to ppl in his life
that he is happy he have me

i know now,
this might never be complete,
if it is you now, i chose

although this would have no effect on my feelings to u
the ones that u never did notice, or i failed to portray
we may have to let each other go,
for there might be no such a road
that could fit us both
and when you're reading this
you may have probably accepted this fact