Weddings weddings..

Lots lots of weddings these days.. No don't get the wrong picture, I'm not under pressure of wanting to hurry at all. Just that at every wedding, i will think to myself, what exactly went wrong with my relationship? Was it that we couldnt endure challenges that others managed to? We were together for pretty long, very long in fact, around 6 years? I've always had this perfect picture painted where i'd meet my first love, a kind hearted person who truly loves me for who I am, and we would complete our journey after around 5-6 years of courtship.. Perfect, by then we would know each other well enough.. Then it got me thinking, wait, we didnt even get past the first stage of meet the parents yet.. We were in fact so so far away from anything concrete..

I think so differently now. I realised nothing of whatsoever  i insisted on in the past matters really. Time together? Just a number.. Type of person? Well ppl can change, or they might nvr change for the better, u'll nvr noe..i dun even have a particular criteria anymore., like i'm not interested, and i think i'm really not..

It still hurts i have to admit, it still does and i dun think it will stop anytime soon.. Of course there are times when i tink about the happy times we had in the past, or wish i have some company now.. But every such thought will end with me remembering the reasons why i could not carry on back then.. And its easy to shed tears..  Turn back time, n i would still not change my mind..

Why? Why? Why? Its always tormenting me.. Must be that u dun think i'm the one.. U dont love me enuf? I cant giv u the sense of security to make u feel ready? We are just not stable? I feel so bad about myself, i feel like the reason has to b me.. I'm not parent meeting worth of material..and this hurts.. Because its so important to me and you knew but you couldn't care less..

Although sometimes i crave for company,  i'd really rather be alone, than to keep expecting something from someone else.. At least now, my heart feels free.. No expectations, no obligations, no commitments..i 'm definitely happier.. *wipes tears off*

Its getting harder n harder to breathe

I look fine but I'm not
I have a serious issue with life
I know

Im not happy
Because of my greed
Because it feels like time is running out
So I've been pushing myself hard since a while ago
To try to accelerate obtaining what i feel like i should have achieved
I KEEP Thinking that
And that is one big problem

I'm not living in the moment
Im missing out all the great things i have with me now
By hoping n yearning for all those i want
Then beat myself up when things dont turn out the way i hope it to be
This cycle repeats in a fast pace
And i dont know how to stop it

I start to feel quite invisible to everyone
Like im always in my own world
Slowly watching myself get burnt out in every aspect

벌써보고싶다

벌써보고싶다

I can pretend to be normal 
I can pretend to be indifferent like it didnt impact me
But it sure wasnt and isnt going to be easy
I miss you like crazy

Dont know wats wrong wit me
Dont understand wats in you that i see
But you're all over my mind
That every breath feels so heavy

You left me with this emptiness
So suddenly
The void of you that cant be filled
Is torturing me silently

Seriously what the hell is wrong with me
I need you so badly
Just for you to be there
Where i could see

I miss you so much
Its a fault that i can never speak of
How i wish you would miss me too
Did you, already?

But its only me
I know its only me

I miss you