Lots lots of weddings these days.. No don't get the wrong picture, I'm not under pressure of wanting to hurry at all. Just that at every wedding, i will think to myself, what exactly went wrong with my relationship? Was it that we couldnt endure challenges that others managed to? We were together for pretty long, very long in fact, around 6 years? I've always had this perfect picture painted where i'd meet my first love, a kind hearted person who truly loves me for who I am, and we would complete our journey after around 5-6 years of courtship.. Perfect, by then we would know each other well enough.. Then it got me thinking, wait, we didnt even get past the first stage of meet the parents yet.. We were in fact so so far away from anything concrete..
I think so differently now. I realised nothing of whatsoever i insisted on in the past matters really. Time together? Just a number.. Type of person? Well ppl can change, or they might nvr change for the better, u'll nvr noe..i dun even have a particular criteria anymore., like i'm not interested, and i think i'm really not..
It still hurts i have to admit, it still does and i dun think it will stop anytime soon.. Of course there are times when i tink about the happy times we had in the past, or wish i have some company now.. But every such thought will end with me remembering the reasons why i could not carry on back then.. And its easy to shed tears.. Turn back time, n i would still not change my mind..
Why? Why? Why? Its always tormenting me.. Must be that u dun think i'm the one.. U dont love me enuf? I cant giv u the sense of security to make u feel ready? We are just not stable? I feel so bad about myself, i feel like the reason has to b me.. I'm not parent meeting worth of material..and this hurts.. Because its so important to me and you knew but you couldn't care less..
Although sometimes i crave for company, i'd really rather be alone, than to keep expecting something from someone else.. At least now, my heart feels free.. No expectations, no obligations, no commitments..i 'm definitely happier.. *wipes tears off*
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