最后

Haven't written in such long time..

Came back after such long time bcos of not knowing what to say and to whom

有失望，毕竟呢么久了
没哭，从前就答应自己不会再这样伤害自己
更何况你不会在乎，因对我的泪水麻木了

从这，我学到许多
时间不会改变任何事情
更何况，人

没怪你，不要再误会
可能你说得对
是我

和你一起，我学到许多
耐心
你把我好的一面都带出来

和我一起，反而把你变成了魔兽
斤斤计较，脾气暴躁
我把你不好的那面都带出来

我可能真的不适合和任何人在一起
好多年，这重复了好多次
好累，很累

真心祝你幸福
再见
='(

I'm not happy

看起来，我什么都有，什么方面都顺利，
有稳定的工作，幸福的家庭，疼我的伴侣，
但我不开心

不知道是我太贪心，还是我总爱胡思乱想，
经常笑嘻嘻的我，
心理却总是笑不出

我迷了路，经常在忙碌之中停顿一下时，
想一想，便会问自己，我到底在做什么？
我为什么会到了这种不知道自己想要什么的地步？

我是个控制狂，一下子感觉我的生活仿佛失控了，
我很惊慌失措

最近，我大胆地问自己，
我是不是为了孝顺，竟然迷失了自己
我好后悔

我的遗憾，是我从来就没有选择的机会，
好羡慕妹妹，为什么就她能得到一切，
有选择的自由，能有理想
而我却当时想都不能想？

她就能无忧无虑，我就得背负一切的责任？
我的付出，到头来，却只换来迷失？

她每做的小事，就能被妈妈赞为天上有，地下无
我做的一切，却被妈妈当成是理所当然？
我受苦换来的福，她就来享？

我想，这个心态，我永远都平衡不来啊。。

我很不开心，好不容易开口对妈妈说，
却只换来呼喝，责骂
我好累，有谁能帮我分担一下？
我很怕，有谁能来安慰我一下？

一心想用辛苦换来的一切，
眨眼间就可以被别人抢走
我要如何才能对人没有防备之心？
我还能相信任何人和事物吗？

所以我只相信我自己，
要的东西，只能靠自己去争取，
还有靠自己来维护，
这样，别人就不能把它们抢走

迷了路，到了这个地步，也只能继续迷失下去，
但背负的责任，我会一一地丢下，
是时候维护自己，别再这么傻，
被人利用下去

我好想念开心的自己。。。

LosT

is the word to decribe how i am right now

in every aspect of my life

NEED to address this intense insecurity i'm feeling

Oh God please give me a hand..

Late in the night..

I'm so worried, another transition in my life
Don't know what to be done,
Need help badly
Who could provide it?
Who would?
Tons of questions racing through my mind
Its bad enough that none was answered
Its even worse of me acknowledging
Yes i'm timid, i have low self esteem
I am not good enough..?
Then why bother trying?
Because i can't give up
They did it, why can't i?
I can't afford to lose out to others
Because i have my ego
I need to do this
By hook or by crook
Regardless of the sleepless nights..

What has the world turned into..?

Here I was, being blur n ignorant of the world for the past one n a half years,
just hiding myself at home and uni to finish up my remaining papers..
This was till i started taking up the part time jobs i took for the last few months..
I would consider myself as someone easily adaptable to any changing environment
but it turned out that those jobs revealed the opposite instead

I guess my ego was in my way,
jobs were either too easy, or too demanding
by way of demanding, it meant that the pay is really cheap
but u're asked to give up to 300% of effort and time
and when i thought i could really like teaching,
i saw the hard cold fact of the current education system

After more than a month, i still find it absurd that the main issue they're most concerned about,
is that all children should be kept silent at all times
if any of them talk, they are considered misbehaving, naughty, bad etc etc..
and so, all the caretakers of the centre, are always on standby mode
watching out for any students who love to talk and walk

So when i came, my way of handling the students..
are in no way up to their liking..
i noe, they are thinking that i'm just a young playful person
and that i duno how to teach well..
well, their opinion is somethin i could care less of

somewhat against their practise, i encouraged the students to talk to me
to ask me questions, to chat with me abit, to let me noe about them
i find this really necessary, to know their weaknesses n strengths,
then u would noe what to tackle, and how to encourage them..
and then i felt really bad, as those who talked to me, would get screamed at
regarding that they were behaving 'badly'

If we think rationally, how could it be possible
that the students are to go to school for 6 hours a day
and then spend another four hours at a centre run like a school?
the world has forgotten, they are kids!
no matter whatever your intention is, a kid is still a kid
naturally, they are supposed to be playful, supposed to be mischievious,
supposed to talk alot, supposed to run around..
instead, they are treated like prisoners..

i feel so bad for them,
their tired expression, bored from reading n doing exercises
why are parents and teachers these days like that?
how could they, not care whether the children understood something
and just blindly feed them with answers and expect them to remember for exams?
how could they, kept screaming and shouting, and beating the children
and expect them to grow up to be someone not violent to others?
its weird but seriously, you brought them up that way..

Sigh, my time with them is almost up,
even though it was quite a short period,
i do care alot for them, and hope the best for them
i hope this is something i only get to see in this centre,
or this school, or this country
or else, children nowadays.. are just plain pitiful..