YES, here i am.. listening to Roxanne again.. have been addicted to this song for months since jokien gave it to me.. the atmosphere this song provide certainly satisfy me every time, like the singer's taking my role to sing out loud, with dramatic lyrics.. Well, this may also reflect that i am a very loyal person..
I AM very loyal.. i love being in daily routines, doing the same thing everyday sometimes jus gives me the peace i need.. Mayb the reason of me not enjoying a happening lifestyle is probably because i hate going through that kinda anxious, heartthrobbing feeling.. its not a pleasant feeling to have anyway.. i really hafta say, tat i really really dun like this 'value'..Not like it can help me in any way, adding to the fact that it can kill me easily..
First and foremost, it can make me go crazy.. doing absurb things jus so that i can resist any changes from occuring in my life.. I guess my worst period was right after SPM.. when i felt so super lost, detached from the life i use to have.. I just felt like i dun belong anywhere anymore..so afraid, and insecure.. tats probably the only thing i really need.. security..its really jus so simple.. hmm.. and thats the main reason i cried my way out of ktar to go back to form six.. jus because its so similar to wat i use to have..
Well, but things dun always go our way.. when changes really can't be stopped.. all i do, is jus nothing. i jus give up, breakdown, whatever.. it jus really frightens me, not being able to see the future, or at least imagine it a little.. then i jus really really duno wat to do.. probably thats wat i've jus went through, which has caused my results to go down a steep slide.. i jus can't see the reasons anymore, like why am i here, why am i doing this, where am i heading to? what for? So i jus dream, n dun study =p
Sometimes, i even go nuts.. and i'll go against those changes.. jus so that i can pretend like nuthing has happened.. and i did crazy things.. things that i regret now, n will until a very long time.. But, too late to regret anyway.. it's already done..
Now, i have really changed.. i still didn't manage to find my reasons though, my goals, or see any bit of my future.. im already different.. my view is different, my thoughts have changed.. the new me.. doesnt really want to see the future anymore, or more like predict it.. i'm too tired already.. what for u hope, and yearn or expect anything that 100% may not happen? not like u're god? changes come very frequently and abruptly.. wat can human do about it?tats probably why my results arent that low anymore.. i've been able to sorta understand.. but it's not as good as it used to be though.. i don't aim anymore.. it's too tiring.. at least for now, until mayb i feel like reaching out for something again.. well, anything can happen, looking at the fact that im already talking about someone else..
Many a time, i get really confused with wat i am now.. not really able to understand wat am i thinkin, not being able to fully understand myself.. i think so differently these days.. I've became very selfish and mean, thats for sure.. like i'm too tired to turn rounds to tell someone something that might be offensive.. wats the point? the message is the same anyway.. might as well jus settle it, fast n quick..But i've been really mean to my family as well, i start recording everyone as my enemy, being very defensive and offensive to ppl at the same time..my family doesnt deserve this.. i'll try change that bit, though i noe ive already tried very, very hard.. but i've really mean..seriously
Wow, this has been a really long post.. but dun worry, i'm not tired yet.. nowadays, i always make sure i dun try too hard.. in anything i do.. just to guard myself.. but i bet u're tired of reading already, or probably u're not even reading.. haha! either way, it doesnt really matter=)
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