Is it worth it..

Someone who could only care for you when nobody's around..

its hard to not feel let down

What went wrong

Yesterday,
a small mistake that i thought should be laughed over with
turned out to be a volcanic explosive
still feeling its very ironic
i'm sorry but i can't understand ur stand right now
what isit u're fighting for, i'm so confused
my care? my effort?
but why the harsh way?
i don't get it.. or isit a revenge for the past?

have i been so blind all these while..
that i failed to notice the dissatisfaction building up inside of u
or i just refused to acknowledge its a crucial matter?
u haven't been happy, at times i thought we were supposed to be
u kept grudge of every little thing i did to u
just so that u could unleash them back on me today?
or isit i'm the one who drove u this way

no matter wat it is, i still didn't get it..
isit time wat we need, to cool down?
or its the mutual understanding
that we are not meant to have?
that i can't see ur side of sufferings
that you refuse to admit
you just didn't want me near you after all
u kept me at the border of your life
like a lethal intruder that you despise
chasing me far far away everytime i stepped into your border

moments you flinged my hand away
when you bump into ppl you know
times u got so angry
when i accidentally revealed about us
these are terrorising my mind
i just.. can't.. let it go..
its so so important to me
because these are moments i dreamt of..
of the person i love, proudly introducing me to ppl in his life
that he is happy he have me

i know now,
this might never be complete,
if it is you now, i chose

although this would have no effect on my feelings to u
the ones that u never did notice, or i failed to portray
we may have to let each other go,
for there might be no such a road
that could fit us both
and when you're reading this
you may have probably accepted this fact

Oh My...

Oh i'm so worried, i'm SO WORRIED!!!
i noe wat ppl would say when i tell them this,
they would say, y not study harder before exam?
i did. i grounded myself at home
for the longest time i ever did in my life
studied day n nite, nite n day..
the fact is, i'm worried before exam,
and even more after the exam!

Why??? tink lah come on,
before the exam, i could still study harder,
make more effort, do something!
After? there's nuthin more i could do
except PRAY @_@
yes it's my break now,
but i'm totally not enjoying it..
too free, gave me more time to ponder and worry
i couldn't eat, i couldn't sleep
i'm oh so worried
why can't i be granted a part time job,
just so to get these frustrations off my mind..
why can't there be more FREE frens like me,
so i could talk crap n forget about worrying..
=(((

i'm so aware of wat would happen if i were to fail again
first of all, the time limit i gave myself would be up,
i would hafto continue the rest while workin..
i would hafto go through the TORTURE sessions AGAIN!
i would waste more money and time
my ptptn time limit would also be up
my future employer, if there would be one
will definitely question me the reason for these failures
and my mouth would be wide open with no sound comin out of it
wat ppl said would've come true,
that i'm trying to achieve something
beyond my means and capability
that i'm actually not so smart after all
my dreams would be destroyed
I would be devastated..


Oh dear god, please spare me the 50 marks..Please!

HAPPY CNY! =)

I love CNY

of course the ang paos played a HUGE part

and then there are those scrumptous meals

also, getting to meet people u haven't met in a gazillion years

BUT

There's somethin i really hate about CNY

about going visiting to relatives' houses on CNY

their DOGS -.-

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

i'm really Really REALLY EXXTREMELY

afraid of dogs 0.0

Moreover, German shepherd O.O

i was totally about to go CRAZY when my relatives

of all things suggested that i should overcome my fear

and decided to let their GIGANTIC dog run free

not joking at all seriously,

that dog is bigger than a 12 year old kid

and at least twice bigger than me

if i get on my knees like a dog..0.o

no matter how they tried to convince me 

i was totally not falling for it

HELLO, shudnt i start with the smaller dogs first?

n so that dog kept walking around.... and around....

and then i couldnt pay attention to anything i was doing, or conversation i was in

Even my younger sis who isn't afraid of anything but cats

told me she was shivering when that dog walked past her

TOO BIG... yes, that's wat she said

my mom had to close her eyes n turn around to hug me 

when that dog went to her n licked her

oh god, i feel so relieved that this is all behind me now

n hope that next year's CNY don't come too soon

i would give up all my angpaos just to not visit that relative again

still shivering even with the thought of that dog O.O

Duno y, but this CNY, i miss my grandmother a little more

i could still remember her, quite clearly...

of how we bullied her when we were still kids

steal her 'tongkat' and make her fall

and the part where she would never complain to my mom

no matter how badly we bullied her

and instead, talk good about someone who bullied her O.O

'Don't keep grudge, that's wat she'll always tell us'

I love her, how i wish i had the chance to tell her

how i wish i was a little more grown up when she was still around

so that i could talk to her more

She used to like to read our palms

then tell us, what kind of person we would be

what kind of boyfriend we would get in the future.. HEHE

'Be more humble, Be kind, Be more hardworking, 

but don't be sad if u failed, at least u tried..'

ahh.. really miss her nagging us.. miss her loud voice around the house

She's a one in a million person

whom you could never find anything bad to say about

and whom is so kind, you could never find another..

it still breaks my heart alot, remembering her days at the care centre..

still rmbr, i didn't shed a single tear that day she left us

firstly, because someone told us its bad to cry at funerals

you would make her sad, and thus reluctant to move on..

secondly, i really don't wish for her to spend another day in the care centre

not being able to talk, nor walk.. i noe how bad, and sad she has been feeling those days

I believe in karma,

At least no matter where she is now,

i am very sure she's in good hands

because she, more than anyone else.. Deserves it

P.S.: Yesterday, we finally told our mom about how we used to bully our grandmother..
         she: O.O     *we: giggles*

Mood : {Cloudy}

This is fact number one of me

I like people very easily

especially those who tell me jokes, make me laugh

or tease me but praise me in the end

or treat me nice, makes me feel like i'm cared for 

but when none of that happens, 

n i see more of someone else who does all of that

i don't know how to maintain the like feeling anymore

i totally understand your situation

but its hard for me to accept it emotionally

startin to feel more that i dun suite being in a relationship

I don't know how to be that understanding

Thus i don't deserve someone like that,

whom will be with me through thick or thin

whom is too good for me..

You don't know what i want, I don't know it too..

this feeling, is utmostly frustrating

i miss that peaceful calm mood i used to have

whenever it rains

Now, everytime it rains

The noise of it just causes pure irritation and frustration

I am childish, and i'm not goin to deny it

But growing up, makes me feel like i'm not supposed to

like its wrong to be lik dat

but i AM lik dat, isit wrong to be myself?

facing books for too long a time in the past Nov & Dec

has caused me this identity crisis

I've lost my senses

I've lost my life direction, my goal

I dun even noe wat i like or want anymore

I would spend hours picking something to wear

spend years deciding on whether to buy this or that

and get totally lost in any shopping mall

Who am I? Whats my style? What am i supposed to be?

What do i want to be? Where should i be? What should i be doing?

Lots of crazy questions critically crashing my brain system

I start to doubt everything i do, and everything else around me

At this stage, LOST is the word for me

and i don't know where to start, to find my way back..

Even my younger sister kept complaining about me

like why have i became lik dat

Now that i can't help her with her decisions anymore

I used to be so clear n firm with my thoughts and opinions

Now that i don't have any, I sway in rhythm of wat others say

and it feels HORRIBLE to be lik dat

Why shud earth accomodate me when i'm not anything anymore?

Don't worry, i'm not giving up..

Luckily there's friends and internet to help me

I'm like starting anew, taking into consideration others' opinions

to judge mine, not too much, but not none

I'm redefining myself..

but its gonna be quite hard on the life direction part

for one thing, i'm keeping the childish side of me =p