Why does my heart cry... feelings i can't find...

YES, here i am.. listening to Roxanne again.. have been addicted to this song for months since jokien gave it to me.. the atmosphere this song provide certainly satisfy me every time, like the singer's taking my role to sing out loud, with dramatic lyrics.. Well, this may also reflect that i am a very loyal person..

I AM very loyal.. i love being in daily routines, doing the same thing everyday sometimes jus gives me the peace i need.. Mayb the reason of me not enjoying a happening lifestyle is probably because i hate going through that kinda anxious, heartthrobbing feeling.. its not a pleasant feeling to have anyway.. i really hafta say, tat i really really dun like this 'value'..Not like it can help me in any way, adding to the fact that it can kill me easily..

First and foremost, it can make me go crazy.. doing absurb things jus so that i can resist any changes from occuring in my life.. I guess my worst period was right after SPM.. when i felt so super lost, detached from the life i use to have.. I just felt like i dun belong anywhere anymore..so afraid, and insecure.. tats probably the only thing i really need.. security..its really jus so simple.. hmm.. and thats the main reason i cried my way out of ktar to go back to form six.. jus because its so similar to wat i use to have..

Well, but things dun always go our way.. when changes really can't be stopped.. all i do, is jus nothing. i jus give up, breakdown, whatever.. it jus really frightens me, not being able to see the future, or at least imagine it a little.. then i jus really really duno wat to do.. probably thats wat i've jus went through, which has caused my results to go down a steep slide.. i jus can't see the reasons anymore, like why am i here, why am i doing this, where am i heading to? what for? So i jus dream, n dun study =p

Sometimes, i even go nuts.. and i'll go against those changes.. jus so that i can pretend like nuthing has happened.. and i did crazy things.. things that i regret now, n will until a very long time.. But, too late to regret anyway.. it's already done..

Now, i have really changed.. i still didn't manage to find my reasons though, my goals, or see any bit of my future.. im already different.. my view is different, my thoughts have changed.. the new me.. doesnt really want to see the future anymore, or more like predict it.. i'm too tired already.. what for u hope, and yearn or expect anything that 100% may not happen? not like u're god? changes come very frequently and abruptly.. wat can human do about it?tats probably why my results arent that low anymore.. i've been able to sorta understand.. but it's not as good as it used to be though.. i don't aim anymore.. it's too tiring.. at least for now, until mayb i feel like reaching out for something again.. well, anything can happen, looking at the fact that im already talking about someone else..

Many a time, i get really confused with wat i am now.. not really able to understand wat am i thinkin, not being able to fully understand myself.. i think so differently these days.. I've became very selfish and mean, thats for sure.. like i'm too tired to turn rounds to tell someone something that might be offensive.. wats the point? the message is the same anyway.. might as well jus settle it, fast n quick..But i've been really mean to my family as well, i start recording everyone as my enemy, being very defensive and offensive to ppl at the same time..my family doesnt deserve this.. i'll try change that bit, though i noe ive already tried very, very hard.. but i've really mean..seriously

Wow, this has been a really long post.. but dun worry, i'm not tired yet.. nowadays, i always make sure i dun try too hard.. in anything i do.. just to guard myself.. but i bet u're tired of reading already, or probably u're not even reading.. haha! either way, it doesnt really matter=)

Dreaming...

I had the weirdest dream ever last nite.. though i noe clearly that it is something that will never ever happen, i feel really happy that it has happened in my dreams.. I tink i'll really remember this dream forever =)))

Smile smile..

This week has been very busy indeed! i tink i said omg like a million times a day.. cos it's kinda unbelievable wat i've went through this week! Plus, psst.. i was so busy studying + assignmenting on one of those days, so much so that i didnt have the time to bath! HAHA

Anyway, although busy.. i feel veeerry happy at this moment.. like, i can smile even when i'm sitting by myself.. i guess, u feel that when u finally realised wat ur frustration is, and have managed to escape from it.. i tink i'm almost there, thats y..

Feel very grateful towards my friends, for providing me many jokes to laugh at.. and lots lots of moral support.. =) I really appreciate them, Thank You =)

So tired..

I have been sleeping on an average of 4 hours a day for more than a week now..

Yes, i am So exhausted.. in every way..

so much so that today when my tutor said 'one new assignment', i was picturing myself ramming out of the classroom into the washroom to cry out loud.. This has been a horrible week i think, and the bad thing is, i dun think it's gonna get any better..

last week was busy enuf, but this week.. definitely more, with assignments' datelines closing up plus two midterms next week and tons of homework! woah.. at least it helps keeping me occupied.. wonder wats wrong with tutors this sem, they get so irritated when we dun do our homework, haven't felt this kind of stress since form 5..

I dun rely understand the weather these days, or maybe it's not because of the weather.. it's really weird cause i feel cold all the time.. So cold when i sleep (i'm already wearing an extra cardigan), So cold in class, So cold every where, every minute.. This brings to my new habit, i haf a jacket in my bag all the time.. I start to dislike my many little habits as my bag's as fat as a guinea pig already..

In my bag, there's :
1. Pencil box A
2. Pencil box B
3. Scientific calculator
4. Financial calculator
5. A metal box of cough sweets (bout 7 x 5 cm)
6. A jacket
7. A 750ml bottle
8. An foldable umbrella
9. My wallet
10. My coin purse

It's a handbag, not a bag pack.. so it looks awfully weird now.. haha.. but i rely cant leave any of those things above out of the bag..

Sigh, I hafta admit i do feel lonely nowadays, even with frens all around me, even when i'm laughing.. i cursed V-day many times to hafta come around now, i rely cant stand seeing anythin sweet or pink.. At least i tink i improved a little.. i use to feel so soo jealous when i see couples smiling together, PDA.. now, at least i dun feel that extreme anymore.. just a sense of longing.. i jus dun like it that in my memory, his face gets clearer through time.. i hate feeling sad all the time..

I'm trying my best though, really.. =)

Now

I'm all alone now..

That's how i made myself become..

Maybe it's good in a way,

No hopes No expectations

No disappointment No hurt

But smiles are a package with them too i tink.. so they left too.. i duno wat's left...

Listening to Taylor Swift's Love Story just swings me away..
Makes me feel like doing something without thinking much.. anything.. and just run, run away..
Things are getting real out of my hands lately.. i cant seem to handle anything, at all..
I REALLY want to run.. SOO badly


Kept saying in my head:

Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone
I'll be waiting all there's left to do is run
You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess
It's a love story baby just say yes


And will run away with anyone who says :

Marry me Juliet you'll never have to be alone
I love you and that's all I really know
I talked to your dad go pick out a white dress
It's a love story baby just say yes

Anyone

For the time being, could only hide in twilight's fiction world.. it's weird, but these books seem to be the only thing that could calm me down now.. sigh